As I hold on to my mothers hand, I feel like I’m holding on to her. She in turn, holds on to me and maybe this gives her some strength to fight on through her current illness. To fight. And then, her question, or not to fight? Holding on to someone with the fear of possibly having to let them go. Here comes fear again. Here come more of those tests again. I watch my body with interest, how it reacts with the emotion of fear. The tense stomach, the ulcers that appear on the tongue, the ‘funny’ tummy. The cortisol levels are obviously rising in my body. Bringing the mind into the present moment is the only way of freeing myself from the destruction that this fight or flight hormone can bring.
I have so many ‘no’s that I am thinking and feeling and I know that each time they arrive, I must drop them. The ‘no’ as I watch medical doctors push more drugs into my mother’s small and frail body. The ‘no’ as the results of what they are doing to her are not working. The ‘no’ that I feel when I request for her transfer from a strange hospital in Cheltenham to one that she knows back home in London. The ‘no’ that I hear constantly in my head, that all this shouldn’t be happening to her.
But it is. And my acceptance of the ‘what is’ and following action, will hopefully create a more positive result for her, as well as for me. For if I keep these ‘no’s in my head, all that will happen for me is more ‘reaction’, which will again bring more high levels of Cortisol, which will again do damage to the cells in my body.
I know I can do this, I’ve done it before, for myself, when in the middle of a severe bleeding attack in my bowel, and clearing it all in seven days by changing the way that I thought. But this involves more than just me, this involves my mother’s suffering. And the test for me here is accepting that I have no control over what is happening right now, nor of what is going to happen next.
So through acceptance of the present moment, I can feel her hand in mine. I can be happy when her bright blue eyes are open and looking at mine. And I can enjoy her moments of being awake and seeing her smile. I’ll keep my mind there for a while.
I started my life with her holding my hand in hers. She and I now hold hands with her hand in mine.
Holding on with love and accepting that one day the hands will let go.